Forgiveness vs. reconciliation

In Chapter 9 (“Steering Clear of Stone-Throwers: Forgiveness Is One Thing, Reconciliation Is Another”) of How to Forgive, June Hunt explores the topic of forgiveness vs. reconciliation.  Ms. Hunt states that reconciliation after an offense is the ideal goal to strive for.  However, the differences between forgiveness and reconciliation are numerous.  Of the seven differences June describes, three caught my attention:

• Forgiveness is a decision to release the person who has harmed you; reconciliation is an effort to rejoin the person who harmed you.


• Forgiveness involves a change in thinking about the offender; reconciliation involves a change in behavior by the offender.


• Forgiveness is unconditional regardless of a lack of repentance; reconciliation is conditional based on repentance.

Ms. Hunt emphasizes that restored trust is the essential element in reconciliation.  Developing trust with another person takes time, even under the best of circumstances.  Therefore, it’s much more difficult to rebuild trust after that trust has been shattered!

When considering restoring a relationship, the use of common sense is essential to protect ourselves.  June cites Lord of the Rings author J. R. R. Tolkien:

“It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.”

Ms. Hunt likens our not-so-beautiful thoughts toward those who have hurt us to the six-rayed pattern of the star sapphire.  That “asterism” distinguishes the star sapphire from all other gems.  It is second in hardness to diamonds.  June describes how God can create a stunning new asterism in your thinking:

” . . . you are to master your thoughts . . . with the help of the Master Engraver.  When you give Him your rocks of resentment, you allow Him to create a stunning new six-ray pattern. . . . This new pattern will display to all something more marvelous than the asterism atop the esteemed  star sapphire- a reflection of the mind of Christ.”

Today’s question: How has June clarified you understanding of forgiveness vs. reconciliation?  Please share.

Tomorrow’s blog: Reconciliation roadmap”

Forgiveness vs. reconciliation

Forgiveness and reconciliation

June Hunt continues her discussion of seven misunderstandings about forgiveness (Chapter 3, How to Forgive) by comparing forgiveness and reconciliation.  She also states that forgiveness is not a feeling.

2.  Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation.  Forgiveness does not equate with instant reconciliation.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean you turn back the clock and start over as if the offense never took place.  Ms. Hunt contrasts forgiveness and reconciliation.

Forgiveness

a.  can lead to reconciliation

b.  is one-way

c.  requires nothing at all from the offender

Reconciliation

a.  sometimes is not warranted or even possible

b.  is two-way

c.  requires a change in the offender’s behavior

When we forgive, we unilaterally and unconditionally cancel the debt.  June writes: We don’t bury the hatchet, but we do drop the stone.”

3.  Forgiveness is not a feeling.  June emphasizes that forgiveness is a decision, an act of the will.  We choose to let go of our claim against the offender, as God asks, and hand the claim over to Christ.  Know that if you have “Christ in you” (Colossians 1:27), His supernatural nature and power is at your disposal.  You can do what you feel you cannot do.

In nineteenth-century Russia, only the czar’s family was permitted to own “Imperial Topaz.”  Ms. Hunt describes what happens when we release our grip on the rock offense that leaves us emotionally immobile:

“You can choose to release your grip and watch God fashion your feelings into a forgiving spirit.  You can choose to hand that stone over to the Master Miner.  From it, He will create something even more valuable than you could envision- even more valuable than Imperial Topaz.”

Today’s question: Have you ever equated forgiveness and reconciliation?  Please share.

Tomorrow’s blog: “From your hook to God’s hook”

Forgiveness and reconciliation

Life- shattering injustices

Today Bill Hybels concludes his presentation of three categories to help us determine our response to those who have wronged us (Chapter 5 of Simplify).

CATEGORY 3: Life- Shattering Injustices.  Pastor Hybels defines a Category 3 wrongdoing as a “life- shattering injustice that comes your way, often out of nowhere, an unthinkable tragedy that forever changes the landscape of your life (for a noteworthy response to such injustice, read Victoria Ruvolo’s book “No Room for Vengeance” . . . In Justice and Healing).”

Working toward relational reconciliation minimizes the seeds of bitterness that could flourish in our hearts.  Forgiveness for Category 3 offenses only is possible by God’s grace.  Pastor Adam Hamilton, senior pastor of The United Methodist Church of the Resurrection in Leawood, Kansas, describes the two dimensions of forgiveness:

“There is your internal release of bitterness, anger, or desire for revenge, and there is the extension of mercy toward the one who has wronged you.  Regarding your release of anger, bitterness, and desire for revenge, you must forgive.  The more serious the wound, the longer the process may take.  But failure to forgive in this sense gives power to the one who wronged you. . . .  But in the second dimension of forgiveness . . . we may actually harm wrongdoers if we extend mercy too quickly.  Wrestling with the hurt they have caused is part of their redemptive process, and for  Christians, redemption should always be the goal.”

Today’s question: Which of the three categories of offenses have you experienced?  Please share.

Tomorrow’s blog: “Peace busters”

Life- shattering injustices

The cost of forgiveness

Today Sara Horn concludes her discussion of five myths we fall for when it comes to forgiveness.

3.  Myth: Forgiveness requires reconciliation.  While forgiveness isn’t optional, settling differences or restoring a relationship isn’t always possible.  Someone else generally is part of the conflict equation, and we can’t control or dictate their actions and choices.  Although some things cannot be restored, Sara encourages us to learn, grow, and move on.

4.  Myth: Forgiveness requires an apology.  Sara points out that many of think offering forgiveness is contingent upon our offender specifically asking us to forgive him/her.    Sara explains why this is not true:

“We can forgive without someone asking for it because we recognize that what is sufficient for us is not the right  behavior of someone else but the grace God gives us, recognizing that in our weakest moments, God’s strength is greater, and it’s by his hand we can forgive.”

5.  Myth: Forgiveness doesn’t cost anything.  Sara believes that we are reluctant to forgive for one of two reasons: (1) we don’t acknowledge the cost of forgiveness or (2) we do realize the cost, but we’re not willing to pay the price.   Although forgiveness costs us our claim for justice as well as a part of ourselves, Sara emphasizes that “what we receive in place of what’s given far outweighs the price.

Today’s question: What hurdles have made you reluctant to take on the cost of forgiveness?  Please share.

Tomorrow’s blog: Overcoming discord”

The cost of forgiveness