How to Forgive

How to Forgive (Harvest House, 2007)

June Hunt, founder and CEO of Hope For The Heart- a worldwide biblical counseling ministry- wrote How to Forgive . . . When You Don’t Feel Like It in 2007.  When June first became a Christian while in her teens, she discovered God had one standard or commandment: love one another and even love your enemies.  In other words, hate no one.  Ms. Hunt emphasizes that God does not set aside that standard based on any one person’s specific situation.  There are no exceptions.  Those who don’t grasp this true meaning of forgiveness live with embedded bitterness.  Forgiveness, then, is not something we can accomplish with our own strength.  Forgiveness is supernatural.  We need Christ’s strength.

June states that “learning to forgive is nothing short of learning to think like God.”  As we learn to think like God, we renew our minds.  Without a proper understanding of God’s unconditional forgiveness, Ms. Hunt believes, it is almost impossible to forgive someone who has deeply hurt us.  Although forgiveness begins with pain, June underscores the idea that “pain should never stand in the way of forgiveness.”  Therefore, it is unproductive and unwise to hold God responsible for our pain.  Blaming God looks back and places the focus on our pain.  Trusting God, in contrast, looks forward and focuses on His plan.

Within God’s will, suffering has a purpose.  June stresses that our understanding of forgiveness must being with this truth: “By God’s design, you are the master of your mind  (italics author’s).”  Thinking and acting like God are necessary to sustain you throughout the process of complete forgiveness.  The process of complete forgiveness consists of four stages: facing the offense, feeling the offense, forgiving the offense, and finding oneness.  Deep wounds must heal from the inside out.  Forgiveness, then, is not a single event.  Forgiveness is a way of life.

Forgiveness is a gift.  When you forgive, you are blessed in giving that gift- whether or not your offender or wounder is willing to receive it.  Ms. Hunt comes back to her central theme:

“The primary reason God wants us to forgive is because forgiveness sets us free to be all He designed us to be.”

Forgiveness is powerful, purposeful, and pervasive.  It produces a change of heart.  You get yourself back.

 

How to Forgive

A change of heart

“But by forgiving . . . I had a change of heart- I got myself back.”- Raul

June Hunt discusses the lasts four benefits experienced when we forgive as she concludes Chapter 13 of How to Forgive.

2.  Forgiveness brings improved potential.  Ms. Hunt states forgiveness has the power to set you free from the prisons of bitterness, anger, and revenge.  Forgiveness frees you to pursue your life with renewed passion and purpose.  You get yourself back.  June summarizes:

“Energy spent on anger and revenge is energy lost.  Forgiveness reclaims that energy and redirects it to make your life better than ever.”

3.  Forgiveness leads to greater Christlikeness.  Allow the Holy Spirit to produce His fruit in you- joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-25).

4.  Forgiveness points others to God.  Forgiveness is never the same when you experience it (in practice) for yourself.  Forgiveness will never again be theoretical.

5.  Forgiveness brings change to the world.  June beautifully explains this transformation:

“True forgiveness always begins in the privacy of a wounded heart as unseen yieldedness to God.  . . . The smallest act of forgiveness radiates outward, like ripples in a pond, and can change the destructive course of families, churches, communities, and even whole societies.”

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. understood forgiveness was far more than a political strategy.  In his book Strength to Love, Dr. King wrote:

“We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive.  Whoever is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love . . .”

Today’s question: Which benefit(s) of forgiving had the most impact on you?  Please share.

Coming Monday: the new Short Meditation, “Every falling tear”

Tomorrow’s blog: the latest addition to the Annotated Bibliography, How to Forgive

A change of heart

Too good to be true?

“If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.”- Old adage

June Hunt continues her discussion of the acrostic F-O-R-G-I-V-E-N in Chapter 12 of How to Forgive.

Realize that God means what He says.  Ms. Hunt states that “God’s grace is free- and enough.”  But, she adds, that doesn’t mean God’s forgiveness is accepted.  Jaded adults can be suspicious of something “too good to be true.”  June states suffering from prolonged guilt is a sign you haven’t learned to take God at His word.  June encourages you to:

“Choose to believe what God says.  Thank Him for the gift of His Son, who paid for your forgiveness.  Do both, even if you don’t feel forgiven.”

Give up dwelling on the past.  Ms. Hunt emphatically states that yes, God’s forgiveness is too good.  But it’s true!  By clinging to the past and refusing to forgive yourself, you are playing God with your guilt.  You are claiming the right to undo the forgiveness Christ has extended to you.

Invest time in renewing your mind.  June reminds us that the only time we have is the present moment.  The past we feel so guilty about is gone.  The future we worry about is always out of reach. To forgive ourselves, we must be intentional in actively affirming what we know to be true about God’s grace.  In Ephesians 4:22-23 St. Paul reminds us:

“Put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds.”

Today’s question: How hard was it to give up dwelling on the past.  What helped you change your perspective?  Please share.

Tomorrow’s blog: “Your most powerful weapon”

Too good to be true?

Forgiveness is not enablement

June Hunt concludes Chapter 9 of How to Forgive by focusing on three points illustrating that forgiveness is not enablement.  Ms. Hunt stresses that there isn’t anything noble or godly about giving irresponsible people additional opportunities to take advantage of you.  Furthermore, God assuredly doesn’t want you to facilitate others’ irresponsible behaviors.

1.  Enablement means putting yourself in a position of being offended again and again.  Forgiving the person who hurt you is one thing.  Subjecting yourself to further harm is another.

2.  Enabling never helps offenders change but further ingrains their bad habits.  As June notes, enabling “only perpetuates a destructive pattern of pummeling.”  If you overtly or implicitly indicate it is okay for your offender to continue his/her inappropriate behavior, you are giving permission for the offender to repeat wrongdoing.

3.  Enablers are classic people pleasers who don’t know when they should say no.  When you say ‘yes’ to irresponsible people when you should be saying ‘no’, in reality your are actually saying no to Christ.  In Galatians 2:10, the apostle Paul said, “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God?  Or am I trying to please men?  If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

When you are an enabler, it is quite possible you subvert God’s will for your life as well as the life of your offender.  June adds:

“God never expects us to put ourselves in harm’s way when someone who hurts us shows no remorse.”

Even if your offender refuses to forgive, your bag still can be boulder-free!

Today’s question: How has Ms. Hunt enabled you to realize that forgiveness is not enablement?  Please share.

Tomorrow’s blog: “Prayer redirects our hearts”

 

Forgiveness is not enablement

Forgiveness vs. reconciliation

In Chapter 9 (“Steering Clear of Stone-Throwers: Forgiveness Is One Thing, Reconciliation Is Another”) of How to Forgive, June Hunt explores the topic of forgiveness vs. reconciliation.  Ms. Hunt states that reconciliation after an offense is the ideal goal to strive for.  However, the differences between forgiveness and reconciliation are numerous.  Of the seven differences June describes, three caught my attention:

• Forgiveness is a decision to release the person who has harmed you; reconciliation is an effort to rejoin the person who harmed you.


• Forgiveness involves a change in thinking about the offender; reconciliation involves a change in behavior by the offender.


• Forgiveness is unconditional regardless of a lack of repentance; reconciliation is conditional based on repentance.

Ms. Hunt emphasizes that restored trust is the essential element in reconciliation.  Developing trust with another person takes time, even under the best of circumstances.  Therefore, it’s much more difficult to rebuild trust after that trust has been shattered!

When considering restoring a relationship, the use of common sense is essential to protect ourselves.  June cites Lord of the Rings author J. R. R. Tolkien:

“It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations, if you live near him.”

Ms. Hunt likens our not-so-beautiful thoughts toward those who have hurt us to the six-rayed pattern of the star sapphire.  That “asterism” distinguishes the star sapphire from all other gems.  It is second in hardness to diamonds.  June describes how God can create a stunning new asterism in your thinking:

” . . . you are to master your thoughts . . . with the help of the Master Engraver.  When you give Him your rocks of resentment, you allow Him to create a stunning new six-ray pattern. . . . This new pattern will display to all something more marvelous than the asterism atop the esteemed  star sapphire- a reflection of the mind of Christ.”

Today’s question: How has June clarified you understanding of forgiveness vs. reconciliation?  Please share.

Tomorrow’s blog: Reconciliation roadmap”

Forgiveness vs. reconciliation

To err is human

“To err is human, to blame it on someone else is more human.”- Unknown

June Hunt continues her presentation (Chapter 8, How to Forgive) of the four stages of forgiveness by discussing stages two and three.

Stage Two: Feel the Offense.  We may respond to unjust treatment with anger, outrage or even hatred.  Ms. Hunt explains why it is necessary for us to honestly deal with our emotions:

“All our rock-hard emotions need to be excavated rather than allowed to stay buried.  Failing to acknowledge and experience pain results in rigid responses: suppression of feelings or outright denial. . . . Without feeling, there can be no healing.”

Stage Three: Forgive the Offender.  June observes that it is much easier to nurture resentment than deal with forgiveness.  Although the first two stages have laid the groundwork for this third stage, people come up with all kinds of arguments to avoid taking this next step of forgiveness.  June presents five:

a.  “I shouldn’t forgive when I don’t feel like forgiving.  It wouldn’t be genuine.”  Ms. Hunt responds that Jesus surely knew if everyone waited until they felt like forgiving, few would ever get around to doing so.

b.  “I can forgive everyone else, but God knows I don’t have the power to forgive one particular person.”  June emphasizes that the issue is how strong God’s power is within you, not your lack of power to forgive.

c.   “Forgiveness doesn’t seem fair. She ought to pay for her wrong!  She can’t get off scot-free!”  Ms. Hunt responds that it is not our role to determine how our wounder should be punished.  God knows how to deal fairly with each person.  He will do so in His time and in His way.

d.  “I have forgiven, but it doesn’t do any good.  He keeps doing the same thing over and over.”  While we can’t control what others do, we can control our response to what others do.  That doesn’t mean, however, that we allow ourselves to be trampled like doormats.

e.  “I cannot forgive and forget.  I keep thinking about being hurt.”  Forgiving doesn’t give you a case of “holy amnesia.”  However, you can close your mind to rehearsing the pain of the past offense.

Today’s question: Which of the five arguments June  presents resonate most with you?  Please share.

SPECIAL NOTE:  Please check out the artist’s comments to the Short Meditation, “Like little children”

Tomorrow’s blog: “Prerequisites for restored relationships”

To err is human

Wounds from a friend

“Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”- Proverbs 27:6

Today June Hunt concludes her discussion of seven strategies you can use to retrain your brain to forgive.

5.  Practice forgiving the daily wrongs.  Ms. Hunt points out that our daily lives are filled with routine affronts.  If we are unable to forgive the small stuff, it is unlikely we will forgive the big stuff- and vice versa.

But God’s forgiveness has nothing to do with the offense.  God’s forgiveness has everything to do with Him.  God forgives because He is a forgiving God.  Jesus means forgiveness to be your way of life.  Forgiveness isn’t just reserved for extraordinary times.

6.  Surround yourself with supportive people who tell you the truth.  June states that, following a wounding, it is natural to seek out people who will apply the “salve of sympathy.”  However, the healing medicine of a listening ear can turn into a rehashing of the painful events and/or a bashing of the offender(s).  Ms. Hunt explains what we truly need:

“What we need are friends who help us rethink our thoughts- friends who challenge us to not stay in the rut of unforgiveness, friends who will counsel us to forgive even when we don’t feel like it.”

7.  Turn thought into action.  June boldly asserts that while it is easy to say you have forgiven your offender, the proof lies in what you are willing to do about it.  Ms. Hunt suggests that once you’ve retrained your brain and opted to forgive, give the offender a gift.

Counselor Robert Enright explains that “by giving a gift to the one who hurt us, we break the power that person has over us.”  Gift-giving does not reward the guilty.  It helps us adopt the heart and mind of Jesus.

Today’s question: Which of June’s seven steps or strategies do you need to implement?  Please share.

Tomorrow’s blog: “Real forgiveness”

Wounds from a friend

Master of your mind

“Our understanding of forgiveness must begin with this truth: By God’s design, you are the master of your mind.”- June Hunt

“We take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”- 2 Corinthians 10:5

In Chapter 7 (“Cutting the Bottom Out of the Bag- Resentful Thoughts Released, Not Rehearsed”) of How to Forgive, June Hunt notes that we all start at the same place on the road to forgiveness: in heavy pain (emphasis author’s ).  Ms. Hunt adds that “we all think the journey is too long, up a mountain too high, with a backpack too big.”

But we don’t face the task of forgiveness alone.  God doesn’t demand we forgive and then leave us struggling to find the strength to do so.  June reminds us that forgiveness isn’t a feeling.  Forgiveness is a purposeful choice.  To release our resentment against our offenders, we have to change how we think.

This is not an easy task.  How we think about forgiveness is deeply ingrained within us, as June describes:

“Our thoughts are like covered wagons that have traveled the same road over and over across the prairie of our minds, leaving deep ruts .  Changing course is hard and it takes deliberate efforts and repetition to make it happen.”

June observes that our thoughts can be constructive or destructive.  Perhaps the most ironic thought, however, is that we have no control over our thoughts.  The apostle Paul encourages us to “take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ.”  As Ms. Hunt emphasizes, you are in charge of what you think.  Indeed, “you are the master of your mind.”

Today’s question: What has helped you affirm that you are the master of your mind?  Please share.

tomorrow’s blog: “Gravitating to negativity”

Master of your mind

Forgiveness is not a feeling

“Forgiveness is not a feeling.  Indeed, forgiveness is a purposeful decision- an act of the will not dependent on our emotions.”- June Hunt

In Chapter 6 (“Removing Hard Rocks of Resentment- Choosing Forgiveness Over Feelings”) of How to Forgive, June Hunt reminds us that we must forgive because God has forgiven us all the more (emphasis author’s).  This truth is profound and inescapable.

Ms. Hunt emphasizes that forgiveness is a purposeful decision because our emotions- powerful and persistent as they may be- are the least reliable measures of truth.  Feelings are influenced by numerous past and present conditions.  These conditions may have nothing to do with reality.

Forgiving another person doesn’t mean we have to ignore, hide, or bury our pain.  The painful emotions we experience are natural.  June states that, without injury by another person, Christlike forgiveness wouldn’t be necessary.  Ms. Hunt describes Christlike forgiveness:

“By sacrificing His life, Jesus displayed the truth that forgiveness is far more powerful than the most overwhelming pain. . . . By following Jesus’ example, we chose healing instead of hatred, and we refuse to drag around our bulging bag of bitterness.  And to possess this healing, we must face the pain, not deny or suppress it.”

June notes there is a distinct difference between being aware of our emotions and giving them control.  Feelings often fluctuate from one minute to the next.  Feelings are way too subjective for us to put our faith in them.  Forgiveness is too critical and central to a victorious Christian life to depend on emotions.  June reiterates that forgiveness is not a feeling:

“Forgiveness is a decisive act of the will- a fight for control of how we think.”

Today’s question: What Scriptures have helped you understand that forgiveness is not a feeling?  Please share.

Tomorrow’s blog: “Think like God thinks”

Forgiveness is not a feeling

Extraordinarily loved

“We can extraordinarily love because we are extraordinarily loved.  We can extraordinarily forgive because we are extraordinarily forgiven.”- June Hunt

June Hunt continues Chapter 4 of How to Forgive by looking at five key factors we know about forgiveness.  The first two factors will be discussed today.

1.  Forgiveness brings life, not death.  Christ brought forgiveness and freedom, the gift of grace.  Adherence to a strict code of sacrifices no longer was necessary.  Ms. Hunt cites D. L. Moody’s  distinction between law and grace:

“When Moses was in Egypt to punish Pharaoh, he turned the waters into blood.  When Christ was on earth he turned the water into wine.  That’s the difference between law and grace.  The law says, ‘Kill him’; grace says ‘Forgive him.’  Law says, ‘Condemn him; Grace says ‘Love him.’  . . . I would a thousand times rather be under grace than under the law.”

Before Christ, June points out, forgiveness was not permanent.  Blood sacrifices had to be repeated.  The forgiveness Christ gives to believers is free, complete, and irreversible.

2.  Forgiveness is ongoing and endless.  June emphasizes that God’s forgiveness has no timetable and no expiration date.  The timeless ingredients of God’s forgiveness are grace and love.  In Psalm 100:5 we read: “For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.”

Although many people place limits on how many times they will forgive someone, God’s willingness to forgive never ends.

Today’s question: What does it mean to you that your are extraordinarily loved and extraordinarily forgiven?  Please share.

Coming Monday: the new Short Meditation, “Like little children”

Tomorrow’s blog: “The fruit of forgiveness”

Extraordinarily loved

Perceptions of God"s nature and character

In Chapter 4 (“What Father Gives His Child a Stone”) of How to Forgive, June Hunt cites a study done at Baylor University about ten years ago.  The study included a Gallup survey that identified four distinct perceptions of God’s nature and character.  The findings were as follows:

• Authoritarian God (31.4%)- those who believe in a God “who is angry at humanity’s sins”


• Distant God (24.4%)- those who believe in a God who is more “a cosmic force that launched the world then left it spinning on it’s own”


• Critical God (16%)- those who believe in a God who “has his judgmental eye on the world”


• Benevolent God (23%)- those who believe God is forgiving and accepting when someone repents

Ms. Hunt observes that nearly three-fourths of those surveyed had a negative view of God, while less than one-fourth viewed God as loving, accepting, and forgiving.  In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus compares the goodness of an earthly Father to the goodness of our heavenly Father:

“Which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone. . . . If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him?”- Matthew 7:9-11 (ESV)

Of the many things we need, June asks, what do we need more than forgiveness- especially from God?  From our human point of view, God’s forgiveness makes no sense because it cannot be bought, sold, or rationed.  There is no scientific formula to determine when to apply God’s forgiveness or determine to whom it should be applied.  Ms. Hunt concludes:

“Let’s be honest: God’s forgiveness is so far-reaching and all-encompassing that it’s incomprehensible . . . inexplicable . . . inconceivable.”

Today’s question: What are your perceptions of God’s nature and His character?  Please share.

Tomorrow’s blog: “Extraordinary forgiveness”

Perceptions of God"s nature and character

Learning to forgive

“Learning to forgive someone who has wronged us is nothing short of learning to think and act like God.”- June Hunt

“Do not repay anyone evil for evil.  Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody.”- Romans 12:7

June Hunt concludes Chapter 3 of How to Forgive by discussing what forgiveness is.  Ms. Hunt states that the New Testament word for forgiveness, aphesis, means “pardon, cancellation of an obligation, punishment or guilt.”  An offense that is not forgiven, in contrast, is an unpaid debt- and even a spiritual debt- between two people.  Unforgiveness binds the two together.  Neither one is free from the debt.

June writes that as we forgive, one offense at a time, our hearts begin to resemble God’s heart.  Ms. Hunt adds that the New Testament Greek verb, aphiemi primarily means “to send away.”  That means when we forgive, we send away, or release, the debt owed when another person wrongs us.  June explains:

“This implies that you need to release your right to hear ‘I’m sorry’, to release your right to be bitter, to release your right to get even. . . . This means to release your right to dwell on the offense, to release your right to hold on to the offense, to release your right to keep bringing up the offense.”

Proverbs 17:9- “He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.”

Today’s question: What Scriptures have enabled you to release your right for justice and fairness, to begin the process of learning to forgive?  Please share.

Tomorrow’s blog: “Perceptions of God’s nature and character”

Learning to forgive

From your hook to God"s hook

“Forgiveness . . . is moving the guilty from your hook to God’s hook.”- June Hunt

Today, in Chapter 3 of How to Forgive, June Hunt concludes her discussion of seven misunderstandings about forgiveness.

4.  Forgiveness is not excusing the wrong or letting the guilty “get away with it.”  Ms. Hunt states that all wrong behavior is wrong and without excuse.  When we are wounded, the offense and the emotional pain we incur are real.

5.  Forgiveness is not letting the guilty off the hook.  Forgiveness is not letting the offender off the hook, but moving that offender from your hook to God’s hook.  June points out that we don’t even have the ability to let our offender off the hook of the potential consequences he or she may have to face.  However, we can take that person off our emotional hook, trusting God to deal with the offender in a way that is just and right.  When we no longer feel compelled to throw stones, our hands are open to receive the good things God wants to give us.

6.  Forgiveness is not being a “doormat” or a weak martyr.  Ms. Hunt emphasizes that forgiveness is being strong enough to be Christlike- a sign of godly courage.   As we forgive, we align ourselves with Christ, who offers us full forgiveness.

7.  Forgiveness has nothing to do with “fairness.”  When it comes to forgiveness, the word fairness can be a huge obstacle.  We like the scales to balance.  June explains God’s way:

“Forgiveness has nothing to do with fairness- or else it would not be forgiveness at all!  Forgiveness is the unconditional dismissal of a debt.  Forgiveness is dropping stones when the world says to throw stones.”

Today’s question: Which of June Hunt’s seven misconceptions of forgiveness resonate most with you?  Please share.

Tomorrow’s blog: “Learning to forgive”

From your hook to God"s hook

Forgiveness and reconciliation

June Hunt continues her discussion of seven misunderstandings about forgiveness (Chapter 3, How to Forgive) by comparing forgiveness and reconciliation.  She also states that forgiveness is not a feeling.

2.  Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation.  Forgiveness does not equate with instant reconciliation.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean you turn back the clock and start over as if the offense never took place.  Ms. Hunt contrasts forgiveness and reconciliation.

Forgiveness

a.  can lead to reconciliation

b.  is one-way

c.  requires nothing at all from the offender

Reconciliation

a.  sometimes is not warranted or even possible

b.  is two-way

c.  requires a change in the offender’s behavior

When we forgive, we unilaterally and unconditionally cancel the debt.  June writes: We don’t bury the hatchet, but we do drop the stone.”

3.  Forgiveness is not a feeling.  June emphasizes that forgiveness is a decision, an act of the will.  We choose to let go of our claim against the offender, as God asks, and hand the claim over to Christ.  Know that if you have “Christ in you” (Colossians 1:27), His supernatural nature and power is at your disposal.  You can do what you feel you cannot do.

In nineteenth-century Russia, only the czar’s family was permitted to own “Imperial Topaz.”  Ms. Hunt describes what happens when we release our grip on the rock offense that leaves us emotionally immobile:

“You can choose to release your grip and watch God fashion your feelings into a forgiving spirit.  You can choose to hand that stone over to the Master Miner.  From it, He will create something even more valuable than you could envision- even more valuable than Imperial Topaz.”

Today’s question: Have you ever equated forgiveness and reconciliation?  Please share.

Tomorrow’s blog: “From your hook to God’s hook”

Forgiveness and reconciliation

Confusion about forgiveness

“By clearing away some of the confusion about forgiveness, we lay the foundation for our own freedom.  The stone wall encasing our hearts can be broken, freeing us from our rocks of resentment.”- June Hunt

June Hunt begins Chapter 3(“Stone Her!  Stone Her!  What Forgiveness Is, What Forgiveness Isn’t”) of How to Forgive by citing John’s account of The Woman Caught in Adultery (John 8:1-11).  June states that this passage of Scripture is filled with  “the heart of compassion and the hope of forgiveness.”

No one, in truth, desires to be like the stone throwers in this story.  However, when we won’t loosen our grip and let our stones fall to the ground, we become just like those stone throwers.  Even though we want others to drop their stones, we are quite reluctant to drop ours.  June stresses that this reluctance is based on a misunderstanding of what forgiveness is and is not.

Ms. Hunt explores seven misunderstandings about forgiveness.  The first misconception is discussed today.

1.  Forgiveness is not a natural response- but rather supernatural.  So many people try to muster their own strength and determination when it comes to forgiveness.  They try to do it alone.  But they continue to seethe with resentment and rage because they haven’t entrusted their lives to Christ, allowing Him to give them His strength to forgive.  We need both Christ’s presence and power in order to forgive.  Forgiveness isn’t natural.  It only happens when we surrender to God’s will and tap into His strength.

Today’s question: Do you have any confusion about forgiveness?  Please share.

Tomorrow’s blog: “Forgiveness and reconciliation”

 

Confusion about forgiveness

Reshaping a hardened heart

In Chapter 2 (“The School of Hard Rocks: Reshaping a Hardened Heart”) of How to Forgive, June Hunt speaks of reshaping a hardened heart- hers.  Ms. Hunt describes her father as hard as flint with a hair-trigger temper.  Although her father was recognized as a visionary business leader, at home the family walked on eggshells due to his oppression.

June, her mother, and three siblings were her father’s covert family.  Unbeknownst to June’s mother when she became romantically involved with June’s father, he was a married man with six children.  His perpetual pummeling included verbal and mental abuse.  At the age of fifteen, June researched and then proposed murdering her father to her mother.  Thankfully, mother’s cooler head prevailed.

When June became a Christian, she was surprised that “Christ inside me started changing me from the inside out.”  Yet even though she knew the biblical command to love one another as well as our enemies, she truly believed her situation was a legitimate exception and that God understood.  June only had one problem: God’s holy standard is to hate no one- and June wasn’t an exception.  The standard applies to all.

June explains reshaping a hardened heart:

“Unforgiveness can make you heart hard and dark like flint, and over time, you can amass enough bitterness to build an impenetrable wall around your soul.  But when you surrender your hardened heart to the Master Stonecutter, He reshapes your heart to look like His– sensitive to the needs of others . . . . By releasing the flint into His hands- the flint of unforgiveness- He will reshape your hardened heart and make it like his.”

Today’s question: What Scriptures have guided and strengthened you to give you a forgiving heart?  Please share.

Tomorrow’s blog: “Confusion about forgiveness”

Reshaping a hardened heart

Embedded bitterness

“I don’t want those who are hurting to be further hurt by embedded bitterness– simply because they don’t grasp the true meaning of forgiveness . . . or they don’t know the ‘how-to’s’ of forgiveness.”- June Hunt

June Hunt is a biblical counselor and founder of Hope For The Heart, a worldwide biblical counseling ministry.  Each weeknight June hosts a live, two-hour call-in counseling program called Hope in the Night. 

In her introduction (“The Struggle to Forgive”) to How to Forgive . . . When You Don’t Feel Like It (2007), June writes that forgiveness is:

a.  a decision– an act of the will that results in true freedom when it is done right.

b.  a process– often misunderstood.  We need to learn the why of forgiveness as well as learn to live out the heart of forgiveness.

God’s call in Colossians 3:3 has been the catalyst for Ms. Hunt’s journey: “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Through out the book June’s prayer is twofold:

1.  that you will learn how to get rid of the “boulders” of bitterness holding you back


2.  that you will experience the freedom of forgiveness as you learn how to forgive even when you don’t feel like it

In Chapter 1, June cites the popular adage “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”  The truth is that words can break our hearts.  Solomon wrote in Proverbs 18:21- “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.”

June notes that words can kill relationships or murder our motivation and inspiration.  Unforgiveness weighs us down with too many rocks.  The best we can do is trudge through life when that happens.  June describes how forgiveness changes the picture:

“When we forgive, we get rid of the rocks dragging us down and depleting our strength.”

Today’s question: How would you describe forgiveness?  Please share.

Tomorrow’s blog: “Reshaping a hardened heart”

Embedded bitterness

Life- shattering injustices

Today Bill Hybels concludes his presentation of three categories to help us determine our response to those who have wronged us (Chapter 5 of Simplify).

CATEGORY 3: Life- Shattering Injustices.  Pastor Hybels defines a Category 3 wrongdoing as a “life- shattering injustice that comes your way, often out of nowhere, an unthinkable tragedy that forever changes the landscape of your life (for a noteworthy response to such injustice, read Victoria Ruvolo’s book “No Room for Vengeance” . . . In Justice and Healing).”

Working toward relational reconciliation minimizes the seeds of bitterness that could flourish in our hearts.  Forgiveness for Category 3 offenses only is possible by God’s grace.  Pastor Adam Hamilton, senior pastor of The United Methodist Church of the Resurrection in Leawood, Kansas, describes the two dimensions of forgiveness:

“There is your internal release of bitterness, anger, or desire for revenge, and there is the extension of mercy toward the one who has wronged you.  Regarding your release of anger, bitterness, and desire for revenge, you must forgive.  The more serious the wound, the longer the process may take.  But failure to forgive in this sense gives power to the one who wronged you. . . .  But in the second dimension of forgiveness . . . we may actually harm wrongdoers if we extend mercy too quickly.  Wrestling with the hurt they have caused is part of their redemptive process, and for  Christians, redemption should always be the goal.”

Today’s question: Which of the three categories of offenses have you experienced?  Please share.

Tomorrow’s blog: “Peace busters”

Life- shattering injustices

Legitimate wounds

Bill Hybels continues Chapter 5 of Simplify with the second category to help us determine our response to those who have wronged us.

CATEGORY 2: Legitimate wounds.  Pastor Hybels notes Category 2 wrongdoings are more complex, leading to legitimate wound requiring resolution and healing.  Sooner or later all of us experience legitimate wounds.  They are a consequence of living in a sinful world.

When we’ve been wounded, wondering about justice is a legitimate question.  As the innocent party, it only seems fair we should be compensated in some way.  However, Pastor Hybels identifies two problems with this sort of worldly thinking:

a.  seeking justice doesn’t provide anywhere near the satisfaction the aggrieved person believes it will

b.  seeking revenge misdirects our energy focus and doesn’t lead to a simplified life

By itself, justice-seeking doesn’t lead to relational peace, although there is a time and a place for justice.  At the end of the day, Bill stresses, each of us must come to terms with what has happened to us, and we must forgive.  Clinging to a desire for justice and revenge costs our offender nothing.  It only enslaves us.  Pastor Hybels concludes:

“Forgiveness means we fully acknowledge the wrong that was done to us, grieve over what has been lost, and yet, eventually let the other person off the hook.”

Today’s question: If you have been able to forgive those responsible for your downsizing or vocation loss, who or what has been most instrumental in facilitating that process?  Please share.

Tomorrow’s blog: the new Short Meditation, “Where’s the fire?”

Legitimate wounds

Relational breakdowns

“But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”- Romans 5:8

“You can tell a lot about someone’s heart by how that person prays when he or she has been wronged.”- Bill Hybels

In Chapter 5 (“From Wounded to Whole: Making Room for Forgiveness”) of Simplify, Bill Hybels points out that, at times, we grossly underestimate the emotional and physical toll of living with relational rift:

“Relational breakdowns extract energy from us.  They take up head space and heart space.  They hang over us like a dark, grey cloud.”

Pastor Hybels notes it is impossible to live simplified lives unless we attend to broken relationships. The prayer Jesus prayed while hanging on the cross- “Father, forgive them, for the do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34)- is a major foundation of the Christian faith.  In the midst of our sinfulness and wrongdoing, Jesus has forgiven us.

As Pastor Hybels observes, it is human nature to put ourselves before others.  However, we cause harm when we do so.  The true condition of our soul is revealed by our prayers.  The author has developed three categories to help us respond to those who have wronged us: minor offenses, legitimate wounds, and life-shattering injustices.  The first category will be discussed in tomorrow’s blog.

Today’s question: In what relational breakdowns do you need to experience healing?  Please share.

Coming Monday: the new Short Meditation, “Where’s the fire?”

Tomorrow’s blog: “Minor offenses”

 

Relational breakdowns